My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.