[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Sorry, I didn鈥檛 mean to lol your poetry
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven鈥檛 baked it yet.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 馃槉馃檶馃帀
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I don鈥檛 think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The only reason I know it鈥檚 February is because the M&M鈥檚 are pink.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will