It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
john wicks are toilet candles
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck