me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
You Might Also Like
I think the cat got the dog high.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Mad Max Arctic Road
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
And now we wait
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.