Yup.
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My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?