Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
#polloftheday
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.