*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Mornin. * use accordingly
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Rich people don’t understand cereal
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.