*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels