I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
You Might Also Like
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*