I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.