U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
A Short Story.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.