[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.