Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
my dog when i have a friend over
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?