I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*3.5 thank you very much.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
life finds a way
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“i miss shittin on people”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Uh oh…