[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..