Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Tier 3 meme
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”