3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
You Might Also Like
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
😅😅😅
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?