Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold