Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.