Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
this has to be peak English
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
haha same
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…