With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
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I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
it must be school picture day
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks