I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
You Might Also Like
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
But wait…
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.