*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”