Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.