“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Flowers bee like
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.