I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*