boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My Guy
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.