What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.