People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward