It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…