A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario