[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
You are what you delete.
smartest karate player in the world
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.