Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”