What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
You Might Also Like
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.