my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time