That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
nature’s most graceful animal
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.