What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
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It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”