I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
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Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.