5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.