My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
How to find Kentucky on a map
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