In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Um … Hot Wings please
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw