If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
peeping toms
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.