Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”