The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.