I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Good dog. ❤️
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.