It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
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Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?