FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush