The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
#CoronaOutbreak
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.