The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.