Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.